@hardasamother

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

@hardasamother

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

@hardasamother

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

@hardasamother

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

@hardasamother

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.