my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.