I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 馃槧
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 馃槨
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 馃槨馃槨馃槨
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home