@meantomyself

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

@meantomyself

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

@meantomyself

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

@meantomyself

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

@meantomyself

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

@meantomyself

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

@meantomyself

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

@meantomyself

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

@meantomyself

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

@meantomyself

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt