I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.