Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.