If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”