@EllaZee5 me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
@EllaZee5 @EllaZee5 imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
@EllaZee5 Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
@EllaZee5 Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
@EllaZee5 imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
@EllaZee5 shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
@EllaZee5 “felt cute might delete later lolz”
@EllaZee5 “let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
@EllaZee5 Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
@EllaZee5 if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer