@JackMackenroth

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

@JackMackenroth

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

@JackMackenroth

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

@JackMackenroth

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

@JackMackenroth

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

@JackMackenroth

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

@JackMackenroth

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

@JackMackenroth

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

@JackMackenroth

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”