So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol