When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars