It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
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Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
oh u like history? name everything that happened
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.