@KyleMcDowell86

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

@KyleMcDowell86

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

@KyleMcDowell86

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

@KyleMcDowell86

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

@KyleMcDowell86

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

@KyleMcDowell86

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

@KyleMcDowell86

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

@KyleMcDowell86

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

@KyleMcDowell86

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

@KyleMcDowell86

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]