I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.