@UnFitz

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

@UnFitz

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

@UnFitz

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

@UnFitz

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

@UnFitz

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

@UnFitz

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

@UnFitz

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

@UnFitz

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

@UnFitz

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

@UnFitz

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist