@UncleBob56 Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
@UncleBob56 @UncleBob56 Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
@UncleBob56 It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
@UncleBob56 Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
@UncleBob56 Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
@UncleBob56 I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
@UncleBob56 Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
@UncleBob56 Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
@UncleBob56 Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
@UncleBob56 [answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”