When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die