@girlontapas

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

@girlontapas

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

@girlontapas

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

@girlontapas

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

@girlontapas

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

@girlontapas

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

@girlontapas

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

@girlontapas

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

@girlontapas

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

@girlontapas

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.