Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”
My oldest bra can smoke now.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
*stares at it*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*act surprised when they mention it*
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.
Now I scrub the floors.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.