My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are