No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
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Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
she has a point
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.