I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?