@ojedge Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
@ojedge @ojedge BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
@ojedge ‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
@ojedge “Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
@ojedge Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
@ojedge Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
@ojedge [attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
@ojedge 🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
@ojedge Siri, fight Alexa.
@ojedge Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”