Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet