My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
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Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.