When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”