Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please


Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]


Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]


Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus


Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no




Mute person:

Fight club member:


Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no


Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true


[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that



Me: you know what being haunted is fine


Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests


Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job