I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Duolingo getting serious.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.