me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
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BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.