@CarpentersCrack

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

@CarpentersCrack

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

@CarpentersCrack

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

@CarpentersCrack

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

@CarpentersCrack

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

@CarpentersCrack

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

@CarpentersCrack

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.