if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
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I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.