@JustBeingEmma

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

@JustBeingEmma

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

@JustBeingEmma

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

@JustBeingEmma

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

@JustBeingEmma

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

@JustBeingEmma

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

@JustBeingEmma

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

@JustBeingEmma

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

@JustBeingEmma

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.