@Loli_Sug

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

@Loli_Sug

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

@Loli_Sug

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

@Loli_Sug

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

@Loli_Sug

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

@Loli_Sug

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

@Loli_Sug

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

@Loli_Sug

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

@Loli_Sug

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

@Loli_Sug

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first