Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.