I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.