I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
You Might Also Like
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Not all heroes wear capes.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Current mood: Potato
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.