Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”