@MelvinofYork me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
@MelvinofYork @MelvinofYork I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
@MelvinofYork I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
@MelvinofYork The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
@MelvinofYork *about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
@MelvinofYork If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
@MelvinofYork My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
@MelvinofYork Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
@MelvinofYork Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
@MelvinofYork Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go