@MelvinofYork

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

@MelvinofYork

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

@MelvinofYork

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

@MelvinofYork

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

@MelvinofYork

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

@MelvinofYork

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

@MelvinofYork

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

@MelvinofYork

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

@MelvinofYork

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

@MelvinofYork

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go