I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.