@PaperWash

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

@PaperWash

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

@PaperWash

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

@PaperWash

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

@PaperWash

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

@PaperWash

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

@PaperWash

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

@PaperWash

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

@PaperWash

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

@PaperWash

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?