Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell