Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
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When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Oh hi lol
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley