My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
There, happy now? You cunts.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.