My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this


My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.


One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.


My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.


You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.


At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap


I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.