The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I created you as mosquito food.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.