@bobvulfov

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

@bobvulfov

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

@bobvulfov

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

@bobvulfov

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

@bobvulfov

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

@bobvulfov

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

@bobvulfov

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

@bobvulfov

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

@bobvulfov

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

@bobvulfov

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse