@bobvulfov day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
@bobvulfov genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
@bobvulfov genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
@bobvulfov 2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
@bobvulfov me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
@bobvulfov hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
@bobvulfov sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
@bobvulfov what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
@bobvulfov (whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
@bobvulfov gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse