@lazerdoov

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

@lazerdoov

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

@lazerdoov

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

@lazerdoov

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

@lazerdoov

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

@lazerdoov

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

@lazerdoov

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

@lazerdoov

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

@lazerdoov

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

@lazerdoov

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog