
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog