@lazerdoov My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
@lazerdoov @lazerdoov Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
@lazerdoov Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
@lazerdoov *bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
@lazerdoov *on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
@lazerdoov *in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
@lazerdoov The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
@lazerdoov Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
@lazerdoov If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
@lazerdoov Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog