A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.