Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.