Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
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Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.