(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.