Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??