They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…