No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Seems a bit forward
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
SF is the wild wild west man
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.